Nicholas Epley has made a career studying what gets in the way of social connection. Over and over again, he finds that it’s us.
In one of experiment, people expected a phone call to be more awkward than an email. But when they actually reached out, those assigned to call felt more connected—and the conversation was no more awkward than it was for those who typed.
That gap between how we expect an interaction to go and how it ends up shows up throughout Epley’s work. We often worry about finding the right words, making a good impression, or being rejected. And yet we typically underestimate how much someone else will appreciate hearing from us.
Epley is a behavioral scientist at the University of Chicago Booth School of Business and the author of A Little More Social. In this week’s conversation, I ask whether his advice would change if he were writing specifically for boys and men. His answer surprised me: men and women often have similar fears—and both underestimate the benefits of connecting.
We discuss:
How Epley went from being terrified of public speaking to enjoying it, and what practice taught him about how we think we’re assessed versus what others really care about.
Why we tend to exaggerate gender differences in empathy and social skills.
Why we worry about sounding competent when the other person often cares more about whether we seem warm, honest, and interested.
What a voice conveys that text leaves out, especially when we disagree.
How technology helps us connect across distances while also making it easier to spend an entire day alone.
The tension between wanting genuine connection and seeking the status metrics of likes, followers, and attention emphasized by social media.
You can listen to the audio above or watch the video below. As always, we appreciate your feedback in the comments or via a direct message. Better yet, why not call a friend who has been on your mind?
