Steven Wolt is the founder of Valor Recovery, a coaching and peer-support program for men struggling with pornography, compulsive sexual behaviors, and intimacy challenges — a program whose coaches, Steven included, are all in long-term recovery themselves.
Steven joined our pornography research convening in Minneapolis in June, and this conversation picks up where that meeting left off. We discuss:
Where he’d like to see pornography researchers focus: Researchers study men in the problem, rarely men who’ve come out the other side. He’d like to see work following men six, nine, twelve months into recovery that studies whether and how shame recedes, confidence returns, and intimacy develops.
Frequency is the wrong metric. After working with thousands of men, Steven doesn’t ask how often. He looks for loss of control and accumulating consequences: relationships, sexual function, work, general peace of mind.
Porn as a regulation tool, not a sexual behavior. For the men he works with, porn has become the primary way they manage anxiety, boredom, loneliness, anger. With a phone in every pocket, he compares pornography to being newly sober from cocaine while carrying a pocketful everywhere you go.
Which is why “just stop” fails. Recovery, as he describes it, has surprisingly little to do with not watching porn. It’s about becoming emotionally regulated, socially connected, and honest — building a life you don’t want to escape from.
“Men need other men to become better men.” While therapy can generate useful insight, Steven has observed that behavior changes in the company of other men you don’t want to let down. Those groups exist, but they carry stigma and still aren’t easily accessible for your average 18-year-old.
Recovery as something you’re building toward. Recovery is often understood by what’s being left behind. Steven frames the process as a move toward healthy masculinity — integrity, brotherhood, service, alignment between values and behavior. “You can fool the world, but you can’t fool the man in the mirror.”
Losing the tolerance for discomfort. His recovery work with young men transcends pornography. Most young men, growing up with a phone always within reach, have not sat with discomfort long enough to develop the resilience.
Moving toward alignment with values. “There’s this idea that this is about morality, that these are men without values — that can’t be further from the truth. They’re suffering because they’re living a life not in alignment with their values.”
PS: Steven’s personal story is inspiring, unlikely, and quite funny. To learn more, check out his interview with Theo Von.
